The driver gaze!

You've heard of the male gaze and perhaps even the female gaze, but have you experienced the driver's gaze. You would've at some point in your life. The gaze could be either out of admiration or out of anger+frustration but the latter seems to be the most common. I don't drive but I do observe drivers, especially my spouse and his various 'looks' if it could be called that way. His admiration gaze is reserved only when a Ferrari or a Jaguar zips past him but rest of the time, I leave it to you to guess/imagine.

But yes, the driver's gaze is something that all drivers do irrespective of their vehicle's status. I have tried interpreting a few:

The livid gaze: When one is right but the other is wrong, the right one does not indicate it except while gazing at the other driver with a look which if possible, would smoulder the other.

The frustration+livid gaze: When one is running late but the other driver is taking time to either restart after a green signal or does not move fast when the traffic jam is clearing.

The irritated but quickly turning civil gaze: Reserved for women-drivers. When a male is driving and the opposite vehicle is slow or turning on the wrong indicator, the male driver gets quite irritated but fearing backlash pretends to be civil.

The checking-out (could be male or female gaze) gaze: When drivers of any gender check out people on the road and make it seem quite obvious.

The triumphant gaze: When the driver succeeds in overtaking or securing a parking space when someone else is also eyeing the same.

There could be many more but I'm stopping here hoping that most drivers would nod in agreement to the driver's gaze!

Are you guilty?

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Five seconds don't mean much

How long does it take to assess a person? I have read that in five seconds an impression is made. I cannot agree and neither do I agree with the cliched saying, 'First impression is the first impression.' Today I was introduced to someone while going for a walk. As soon as the first introductions were made, I could see the lady scrutinising me from top to bottom. I could sense that she was ass . . . essing me. I felt rather uncomfortable. Could she have gauged me just by looking at me. Did she sense that I was a corny blogger or for that matter that I didn't choose to bathe today?! Maybe not. What did she read of me when she looked at me from top to bottom. At that precise moment when she looked at me, I also judged her or rather ass . . . essed her. We were both doing the same things but I would like to be partial with my observation because it was the observation of an observation.

Often we are not open-minded enough to be compassionate and non-judgmental while meeting someone for the first time. Perhaps there is this notion that the other person might be judgmental of us and why not take the first step by judging them harshly and showing that through our facial expression. By experience and a bit of prudence, I have come to realise that first impressions don't mean much. A tough exterior can mask an insecure interior or a seemingly calm exterior might be vicious within. The phrase, 'Be Kind; Everyone You Meet is Fighting a Hard Battle' runs and reruns in mind when I find myself trying to judge a person in the first five seconds of meeting someone. Something related to this is falling in love at first sight. While I can possibly extend my general speculation to love, I will not venture that side because I have strongly felt attractions in the first five seconds of meeting someone. Well, can attraction be equivalent to judging, I don't know. Some things are mysterious and cannot be ascertained but I guess scientists have tried cracking the mystery of love at first sight and maybe they are right.

I think first meetings pave way for opening one's world to someone who is different, unacquainted and new from our world. After subsequent meetings, we can decide whether we want to stay or leave but that first time should be an open-minded one, I reckon.

Just because I write this, it doesn't mean that I'm open-minded. I am learning to rein my force of habit and trying to be open to the possibilities of a first meeting which could probably lead to some strong bonds and conversations.

What do you think of this preoccupation with first impressions?

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Dropping names and playing wise

In the room the women come and go,
Talking of Michelangelo.

The lines above talk about something that is very prominent in today's people (as it was then as well). I am not making a sweeping generalisation here but still. It has become quite fashionable to drop names in the course of conversations. Somehow I am assuming that the fad of dropping names came about during Renaissance when there were new discoveries and inventions made. The age of enlightenment, as it was popularly known brought about many delightful new thoughts and ideas. Now as many artists and scientists grew in prominence, there also arose a new breed of people: Name-dropping philistines!

Now there are specific names that are ought to be dropped in relevant contexts. If Philosophy, it has to be Kant, Nietzsche, Sartre, etc; if Literature then Shakespeare, Tolstoy and the like; if Cinema, then Godard, Kurosawa, Fellini, Bergman, etc.

But the best part of name-dropping is that one need not know in detail about the people whose names are dropped. If one knows the very famous line, "God is dead," and adds Nietzsche to it, the role is well-played. Similarly if one knows a quote or two from Shakespeare, then it makes for a lively exchange. It is only the name-dropper who knows that the quoted line was the only one (s) he knows from that person.

I find many students who love to drop names be it in arts, literature, philosophy or music. I cannot blame them but it is the world around which respects people who show their knowledge of names. In today's scenario, knowledge and information is suckling heavily at the udders of Wikipedia and passing those as one's own. Shallow knowledge and surface information, though make a good first impression cannot hold for long. But instant recognition and admiration leads people to try dropping names to impress and provide a halo of pseudo intelligence.

Well, the message is loud and clear: BE DISCERNING and TEST the depth of knowledge.

What are your observations on dropping names in conversations.

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Every family has its own language . . .

Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

                          ~ In Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy

The above line has always fascinated me and I wonder about Tolstoy's acumen and penchant for detail. The opening lines of Anna Karenina are quite true and today I chose to extend this small piece of wisdom into language. And believe me every family has its own wee language system it follows. I am not talking about the predominant language here but small words here and there which only its members can understand.

No matter what class or social standing a particular family has, it has a unique system or certain 'peculiar' words and sometimes even phrases which enable the members to communicate with each other. And it is like a precious heirloom which is inherited down the ages.

In our family sometimes the actual word for something is substituted by another word which has no semblance to the actual word or its meaning but nevertheless we use it. The over hearer often often finds it very funny or even amused as the words are quite stupid to hear. This sprinkling of 'stupid' words belong exclusively to the domain of a particular family. Sometimes even cousins and extended family don't have access to the meanings.

I was under the impression that only our family has words as these but I observed that almost all families have words as that. And many times, it is predominantly children who use and coin those words. Children who are very small cannot refer to anything by a long and convoluted name and so shorten it or substitute it with an easy word. This word sometimes remain for long in the family. Fathers usually don't use those words but can understand them anyway.

Special coinages for food-items, nosy relatives, expensive items, the list can go on and on. Sometimes even basic words like water or spoon can actually be code words for something else. The ability of people to coin new words which are of course within the family, is a trait which is interesting and novel. The language for these words don't matter. It can either be in the native tongue or in a mixture of three languages. This characteristic is also like pet-names which are unique to each family.

Though I cannot ask you to divulge the special words, I would like to know whether you have such 'stupid-sounding words' whose meaning only you and your family members share.

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Let's talk: No cliches please

After writing Dream-Stealer, reading the comments spurred on thoughts on usual things about many topics but what stood out of the thoughts was CONVERSATION. The dream-stealer loved conversations and so did the women in Nevine's Lady Grey with a Lemon Twist. The dream-stealer always wanted to enliven her conversations and so stole dreams but not everyone is as innovative but everyone does try what comes best to them.

Many self-help books advise: "Appear to be genuinely interested in the other person. Listen." So much importance is been given to something which has been there for quite some time now. Along with the importance of conversation, there is also something else that tags along: The need to be in the driver's seat. Topics are being scouted (Now I begin to think whether my blog posts also try to do that. Well . . .).

What goes into a conversation. Knowledge? Wit? Humour? What? Do we actually think before striking a conversation. Some weeks ago I posted a status in my Facebook which said: "Susan yearns for a soulful conversation . . ." but alas! not many chose to reply except for one sympathetic being. Maybe I was asking for too much.

Now what does the adjective 'soulful' have to do in a simple conversation? Maybe it's just a genuine interest in making conversation for the sake of it with no frills attached. No intention of winning the woman/man, not to create impressions and please, not to show-off.

Does 'true' conversation exist only with friends? Or does it also become something of a facade like the women in Nevine's Lady Grey with a Lemon Twist. Sometimes I've had the best conversations with random strangers in buses/trains or in a queue where we were waiting. We didn't try to make conversation because it was the 'done' thing or because we wanted to impress each other. We just conversed as we wanted to talk. Simple.

Maybe I should pause now. I can go on and on. Can I hope for completely banning plastic conversations like plastic smiles.

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And you thought only bottles were plastic!

Plastic is everywhere. Just turn around and you will see that almost every second thing your eye rests on is something made of plastic. Well, it does not stop there. It extends beyond that -- plastic smiles, greetings, compliments, hand-shakes and so on.

I always thought children had the most innocent and the real smiles but now-a-days, I am disappointed that I don't get to see the 'real.' They have also become plastic. The smile which is an easy giveaway is the first sign of being unreal or plastic.

What does it cost to be real? Absolutely nothing, I say. I have heard of smiles that make a person's day and brighten up a room but most of the smiles today are for the sake of smiling. There were days when artificiality was relegated to surgeries to make up for inadequate body parts but today the most loveliest of faces 'wears' a pseudo-plastic smile.

The smile has been finding a lot of mention in self-help books and videos. So many assume that smiles are something mandatory to be worn as an identity-card, otherwise they would be carried off by secret agents. This criterion makes them smile, not a real one but a plastic smile that is much better when not forced. 'Smile increases the face-value' so we have a whole generation of people smiling away not because they want to but because they want to be seen as positive and happy-go-lucky.

If you thought this post is an exaggeration, then read this from the BBC website. 

Ban Plastic (in smiles as well as in bottles)!!!

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