Tuesday 10 August 2010

Conversations with myself

On nights when sleep eludes and the mind is game, a zillion thoughts criss-cross creating no possible method of madness. Last night Lady Gaga's Bad Romance played. I especially like the "Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah" part and only this keeps resonating. I think of Remedios the beauty, I wrote about yesterday and wonder about reading. I read GGM's One Hundred Years of Solitude sometime in  2003 and think about how I used to read books. I always tell myself that after my thesis I shall read many books. It might happen or not. So many things we think of doing when x or y gets over, but do we really get back to it? Maybe we might. I think of fellow bloggers and I stay on one of my fellow-blogger's page which talks of the death of a theatre personality. I have seen one of his plays but I feel very sad and distraught on reading the news. Then thoughts fly to my death. How will people receive the news? I wonder about how I will look when I am laid in the casket and what will be my eulogy . . . I stop. Another thought cuts the other one abruptly: How will my fellow-bloggers know that I am no more. I wonder about a certain someone who is crawling the pages of a blog and regretting something. I implore to sleep and ask her where she is. She is quiet. I start singing. I don't remember what. The tune is gentle . . .

Nothing really matters to me . . . Mamma-mia, mamma-mia. What did the Queens think of Bohemian Rhapsody when Freddie Mercury first wrote the song in 1975. I like that song anyway.

Does the short interval between sleeplessness and sleep take you to several places and times . . . Do you enjoy those stream-of-conscious exercises.


  1. sometimes it is good to let it flow...there are times i think these thougts...as you may remember just a few short weeks ago i had 2 blog friends pass away...it was startling to read...i think you will know how htey will remember you by the way you live your life, how you interact...the depth of your impression is how they will feel...

  2. I found this a very beautiful post and love how honest it is. I do not go through these moments before sleep; I usually ride this train of thought at any time of the day without really knowing what I got myself into. when i sleep, i am really worn out that's why I do not suffer fro many sort of insomnia

  3. Brian:

    These thoughts sometimes lead to blog posts. The few minutes between sleeplessness and sleep proves very fertile in terms of thoughts and ideas. What I wrote in this post is but a sample of things.


    Thanks for your kind words. Yes, it is honest and I initially did not know how to present them here: Like a block or a narrative which seems coherent. Every night thoughts as these come and go. I like those times as they provide some seed which could be developed later.

  4. hehehe :D lol because I never knew of the existence of such interval in my life :). The moment I want to sleep, I get the sleep. But these kinds of thoughts and may be many more make me mesmerized. I think about these things when I’m alone and doing nothing :)
    Sometimes such thoughts trigger a million thoughts related to each other like a chain reaction. Its good to have some time completely for ourselves as it is the only time we get such thoughts or ideas which are very useful in our growth as an individual.
    And about the death thought, frankly speaking I can’t stand to see someone I love leave me like that and for that matter I don’t want anybody else go through the same pain when I leave this place. Hence I wish no one comes to know about my death when I die ;)

  5. Wonderful post, Susan, stream of conciousness indeed. But that is just how the mind works. When I lay in bed night, a thousand thoughts flit through my head too. I have also thought about death, and whether someone would inform my blogging friends. I've thought about the future and the past and what the present means to me. So many things, some insignificant and some significant. And I often get little verses from songs stuck in my head too, just like the "Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah" part of Bad Romance :D

    But this is really extraordinary. As Descartes told us, "Je pense donc je suis" or "Cogito ergo sum". I think therefore I am. It is these thoughts, and these thoughts only, that ascertain our existence. It is our minds which make us human.

  6. Asif:

    Sometimes these intervals are unavoidable. Whenever they come, I make the best use. And of course thoughts as these do come at other times as well.
    Death is a part of life and when there is life, death is the other side. The pain lasts for a while then passes away. Time heals. I would definitely like to know about all the deaths. That way I can partake of their cup of life :)

  7. Sam:

    Yes, this is how it indeed works and I wanted that to be translated as a post. Not many can go through it with me and so not many comments, you see.
    Sometimes I feel Descartes was not entirely right in saying: "I think therefore I am" as there are many pockets where we don't think. We just BE. I hope you get what I mean. More than the mind, it is the mind's intentions which make us human.

    Thanks for your perceptive thoughts Sam. They are appreciated. Joy always.



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