Grey regions and vaccum

I defended my Ph. D. thesis on the 2nd of June. One of my friends who attended the proceedings remarked, "You took the announcement of the degree quite calmly. You didn't seem to be overwhelmed and did not cry and all. Why?" I honestly did not know how to respond to his rather strange yet familiar question. I had imagined the situation several times in my head and every time, the scene had tears and melodrama. But in reality, when the announcement was made, I was calm and blank. I did not smile much as well. The feelings were similar when I had submitted my thesis three years ago. I knew and experienced the feeling of great moments which arrive and go quietly, without much ado. I also remember feeling the same while getting married. In fact, the excitement of the Ph. D. defense was a few degrees more than the wedding. 

I often try to understand the philosophy of getting excited and jumpy but I am unable to grasp it entirely. I do get excited, perhaps when the radio plays my favourite number or perhaps when Chennai Super Kings win a match. Sometimes, very rarely, suprises make me sqeal with delight. I don't much like surprises! Shopping for silver makes me happy and excited as well. But bigger moments like death, earning an accolade and such sink in gradually and smoothly. They fail to create any furore or waves. They stay and allow me to savour the whole episode in sparks when I least expect them. For example, when I switch the desktop and see a file titled, "Ph. D," on the screen, I pause and ponder about the journey and then when I shift to Facebook, the feeling evaporates. Then, when I talk to someone and suddenly they call me Dr, I savour the word. It passes. I move on. Then again while I least expect, the wave hits only to leave me in a short while. These joys are strange. You know that they rightly belong to you and that it has been earned by you but still you refuse to allow the victory to make you completely ecstatic.

A vaccum fills me as I will no longer unleash stories of how my Ph. D. viva-voce exam has not happened after three long years. Boy, I am a Dr now! (Smiles).

Cheers, dear reader. Raise a toast for me.

Image 1: Internet

Image 2: Internet

Great moments come quietly

Well, this post is the aftermath of a long awaited event. For four years, I had been working on my dissertation and finally on Thursay, I submitted it. It was a calm feeling. Numb. Still. Calm. Neither was I ecstatic nor jumping. I, of course, updated my status on Facebook. But it was more like an intimation to people that I had finally handed it in. There were many who wished me well and stood by me through the gruelling process of writing my thesis. Instead of writing to every single person, I let them know that I had handed it in.

The path wasn't an easy one. Many times in the process of writing, I thought of quitting but there were many who egged me on and gave me the strength to hold on. I had even written an angst-ridden post, "Anxieties of a research scholar," exactly a year ago.

This post reflects how great things don't always come with a bang or create butterflies all around. It arrives and leaves. This post is also a rendering of thanks to all the dear ones who were constantly encouraging, inquiring and wishing me positive energy. You mean a lot to me.

Life goes on . . .

Are your big moments also quiet and still? I know it is not always.

Image: Internet

Anxieties of a research scholar

Today my neighbours left to their native place with packed bags and smiley faces. Years ago, it was the same with our family. Come summer, we would finish all our exams, throw away the books and leave to our grandma's place.

Now all that has changed.

Being a research scholar, I have no holidays and as icing on the cake, I am a full-time scholar. This leaves me with the situation of every day being a working day and/or every day being a holiday. When people ask me about my weekend plans, I have to tell them with a straight face: I don't differentiate between a week day and a weekend. That gives no room for further conversation. Period.

I also face the peril of working at odd hours of the day and sometimes it so happens that people around me don't ever understand my inability to help with chores around the house. This stifles me.

The beginning of the research  is all rosy with dreams of having a Dr. in front of your name but as the time goes on, a vague feeling about the meaning of the whole 'research' slowly seeps the insides which leave me with a sense of restiveness.

Now about blogging: Everyone feels that I waste time by writing meaningless words in something called a 'blog' when I ought to be writing my thesis. Expletives have to be stopped.

I would like to quote my blogger friend's expression about being in the last leg of the thesis-writing:

Just hang on that last mile - which is the most difficult! But I do promise that the moment you submit it, you'll feel such relief. It's like being pregnant - that last month is so cumbersome and u just want it to be over, but the minute it's over, there is great joy and relief.
that's at least what I've been through.
I have really funny stories from my last month of "thesising" - I threw out my dad from my my apartment, managed to have one of my worst fights with my partner over what kind of vegetables to put in the salad, was grouchy and snappy at everyone who came my way, I mean I had MURDER in my eyes. During the last week, when all I lacked was a few touch ups, the introduction and the abstract, I almost gave up on the whole thing, saying "who needs this degree anyway?!" and I just wanted to crawl inside a seashell and stay there. The last night was spent on proofreading - and of course I didn't sleep and went to University to print it - walking like a zombie, but I MADE IT.
After that - I had a lot of apologizing to do and was lucky that everyone forgave me...
I wish you have an easy "birth"!!! 

 Her words are so quite true.

And finally everyone you meet ask the most prized question: "So when are to going to submit your thesis?" As if a thesis is another application form to be filled and submitted. This is quite irritating as people ask this question whenever they meet me. Sometimes I face this question almost every day in a week.

On a lighter vein, I am going to attempt a book on the dynamics of thesis-writing and handling people when I complete my thesis. Anyone volunteering to be the second author of the book with me? I shall be more than glad.

Signed by
Frustrated Research Scholar
xoxox