Thursday 31 March 2011

Selective sharing of information

It so happens that I cannot discuss everything with everyone. I don't know why but I have this peculiar trait in me. Perhaps it is not quite peculiar as I think it is. I have few close friends but that does not mean that everyone knows everything about me. I choose to be selective. Now, why do I do this? I cannot fathom why. It is not about trust or any such thing. I am made like that, I think.Now this trait is not limited to friends alone. I choose to be like this in any relationship. I safeguard some bits and pieces about myself within me. There is this feeling that I should have something which should be savoured by me. Only me.

But there are some downsides to this trait. Many a times, people feel that I am not quite open with them which in turn leads to issues of trust. It is difficult to tell people that I want certain things to be in my private chest and not open to scrutiny by any one. Usually people say that love is something where there is nothing hidden from the other person. Somehow, I can't buy that. Inspite of keeping my wee stories with me, I can love endlessly. Is love only measured by transparency? No.

Well, I am sure every individual has certain things that form a vital part of their personality, which are meant to be only within them and not shared with anyone, however close. I could never be one who divulges every single detail from potty habits to bedroom antics. I choose what to say and what to treasure within me. The non-sharing comes from the fact that if I let it go, it will be not be something that is exclusively mine.

We all possess some traits as these and that is what makes us who we are. So, dear reader, what is your take on this topic?

Image: Internet


  1. As for friends and close friends, I can see keeping certain things to yourself. However, two people deeply in love and spending their lives together, who trust each other implicitly, should have no shame or fear in revealing themselves completely to one another. In doing so, it is the ultimate measure of trust and respect with your mate.

  2. Since we are with many dimensions sharing information,experiences or feelings with others will vary as well. Only a handful of people know me through and through and I like to keep it that way.

  3. There are bits I divulge but still keep some to myself.

    Now I need to pee!


  4. For me it's a matter of trust.....if I'm building a friendship with you then I want to know you.. if I feel you holding back..then I'll hold back hence not trusting... it's complicated...As always...XOXOXO

  5. I agree with you. I find it difficult to share everything about me with all my friends. Americans are very candid about their private lives. Some really leave nothing to the imagination. I was in a cafe this morning and this woman was telling the barista that she has a urinary tract infection. I was so grossed out, I did not even want my coffee and croissant after hearing it.

  6. Despite being an open book myself, I agree with you dear Susan.
    We all have some private thoughts that we do no share with anyone. I too can not see this being an obstacle at all in any kind of relationship, as truly realistically - we can never ever be that close to anyone and we can never really know anyone that completely. To believe this is an illusion.
    To me trust is not about whether someone tells me everything, but more about whether what I am being told is the truth. Among other things of course, as the issue of trust is much more complex that this.;)
    Have a great Thursday dear friend,

  7. Cannot agree with you more. Having said that, sometimes I find myself coaxing my partner to tell me more because I know there is more to tell. I realize that shouldn't be... There are numerous things within me that are just mine - so why do I expect any differently from my partner. Loved you post.

  8. My Mom would always advice me and say "Don't be an open book, always keep something of you to yourself that is yours alone". I never took heed and many a times in relationships I have had my past thrown at me and it really hurt. So today I say "Yes, keep something of you to yourself, even in love. You don't have to tell everything about yourself. It doesn't mean that you don't trust the other person, it is just that there are somethings that you like to be within you." I think people should respect that.

  9. Susan:

    It seems rather the correct thing to do, holding a little bit back for yourself, no need to bear your soul to everyone, there is a fine line between trust and being naive. Practicing some restrain and discernment would be wise.

    On the lighter side with a sense of humor -- wisdom from my mother who said to me " a woman who tells her age, tells all". In other words, she thought the practice of some mystery about oneself was the wiser and certainly more interesting.


  10. Hope you knew what the 7/8 thing was about, Susan--grin!

    About telling to Peeps everything about me...except...well, it so happens, I just now completed telling YOU one of my 'secrets' in a comment on your blog on "TIME"...

    And then I run into this topic. Serendipity? YEP!

    I tell Peeps I'm an "open book", but as with many Peeps, THIS peep holds back--not activities--thoughts, and a few deep beliefs.

    Your blogs lately have me thinking you are working on another dissertation, researching us Peeps' curiosities--grin! And you are GOOD at it, Ma'am!

    I like being here, your writing keeps
    one reading...and commenting!

    Love, Peace, and JOY for YOU, Susan!

  11. Nice apropos topic, Susan as I spoke in front of an audience last night, sharing some of the the things I've learned in the past few years that I've been on a more spiritual path. Here's the way the way I see sharing my story:
    I no longer worry how people will see me. I have something important to share and if someone doesn't accept me after then that's fine, because it is those people THAT DO continue their acceptance of me and those new people I touch that are important. I'm still the same person I was before my shift, I have just become more deeply spiritual and if someone who WAS my friend can no longer accept me then ya know what? They weren't truly my friend to begin with.

    Have no fear about sharing what's in your heart, Susan. Those who REALLY care will stand by you.

    Be Happy! Be Well! Be Positive!

  12. Susan - I think anyone who says his/her life is an open book is a liar. Seriously, we all keep bits of information to ourselves and some things we reveal to some people and other stuff to other people. Sometimes, even with a partner, we keep back information either to protect ourselves or our partner. As long as we're honest and open with ourselves, I think it's perfectly okay to have private spaces.

  13. I think it's perfectly right to keep things to oneself (in fact, someone who would share EVERYTHING could be quite disgusting and boring: people has other things to do that listening to your fascinating life).
    That said, I think it is better not being too 'structured' about it; I don't have an A and B lists of things I'm going and not going to share. It depends. Sometimes it just 'feels right' to share something with a certain person. Sometimes you just feel you shouldn't. In addition, a) it's alright to make mistakes of appreciation along the way, human relations are an art, not a science, and b) I like to keep categories fluid, negotiable: maybe I'm not willing to discuss a certain thing now, but it doesn't mean that, perhaps, in a different context, with the right people and the right mood...
    Thanks for facing an issue so important for human relations.

  14. Well, I think its same with everyone ma'am. Its the same with me too. And I completely agree with you on the point of how the issue of trust arises among friends. Sometimes, it seems that they don't seem to understand our situation. But, when it comes to their on thoughts, they become possessive of their own-self.
    I feel that they should try to understand that the other person is also just like them.
    Sometimes, I feel that even we tend to think the same way about "trust" among our friends(knowingly or unknowingly) though we might not express it with them. So, sometimes some of us might be 'acting/lying effectively' in such situations...

  15. In the past, I have probably shared more with others than I should. But, as I get older I am finding myself more cautious. I tend to make sure that there is a trust, or bond, before I share more intimate details about myself.

  16. i am pretty much a wide open book, but leave it open to other to share what they want...i agree with matty on the one you love as well...

  17. Hello Susan:

    Some memories or thoughts are best kept private and I see nothing wrong with this. It can be a part of wisdom to know what to say and when to say it or perhaps, even if it is necessary to ask. I believe that anyone will share what they feel comfortable to and withhold the rest.

    As persons, I believe that we should respect the privacy of others and only ask for information in a respectful way and let it be if the other person wishes to not reveal information that may be sensitive and move on to shared areas of interest.

    There is far too much of sticking one's nose into others business in the western world today and not respecting boundaries.

    Take care,

  18. I'm very private, so I'm a lot like you regarding keeping some things to myself. I've been married so long though, that I don't think I hide much from my husband. We know each other so well.

  19. I don´t like to share too much of my personal life with people. Yet I believe I am an open person and not very private when it comes to my feelings. I have one very close friend that I share my deepest feelings with and for me that is enough. I hate being judged and maybe that is the reason why I don´t share too much.

  20. have you and I been talking about this, girl? I feel exactly the way you do. Not everything can be divulged, and not every conversation can be had with everybody. And there are conversations that I will not have with anyone. They are mine, and will remain mine alone.

  21. Being an open book, makes one person vulnerable. Sometimes, keeping things to yourself makes you stronger. I used to be such an open person, I believe it only leads to issues. You know, boundaries are broken and stuff. But then we all learn! It's great that you're like this! And love involves discovering.

  22. I cannot say that I keep everything to myself nor can I say that I am an open book to everyone. I share stuff with friends and family on a "need to know" basis. There are some escapades that are just between me and the boys, there is stuff that only my wife knows. Other issues I open up to only those I think could be helpful in that situation. All said and done, I think my wife knows more than anyone else about me but even then, there are some past experiences that she does not need to know...I hope she will not stumble upon this comments anytime soon!

  23. As Kahlil Gibran said of marriage: "Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you." That's true also of friendship, more so of FB friends. A relationship doesn't mean a no-holds-barred disclosure of one's self. It is the little mystery that we keep to ourselves that make the relationship exciting. :)

  24. Good morning Susan,

    First, I thank you for your visit to my Songs from Memory blog.

    I have been here many times, reading this entry for so many times and finally left a comment which was dissolved into the smoked screen.

    What I said was, while we are in the spirit of sharing thoughts to be pondered by our readers publicly, we also have our private nook only for a private moment exclusive to ourselves.

    I am basically like you and there is nothing wrong by being you. While we blog for the whole world to read our thoughts in the spirit of sharing, we also have our Own sweet time of preponderance in a secret place called our heart, mind and soul.

    We can't give away everything, so it is just reasonable to put something in reserve just for ourselves.

  25. Hi Susan...I'm pretty much the same. I'm pretty open but share the deep things with my sister and closest friends..otherwise I am selective with who I share what with...

  26. Hi Susan,

    I feel that we all have secrets and private thoughts that are woven into our being. While some people feel that two people must share everything in order to be intimate, I would offer another point of view. If a secret or private thought is a part of you and you share yourself with another person, then you have no reason to explicitly state every detail... In short, keep those thoughts which you do not wish to share as part of yourself and never feel guilty for it.

    I hope that makes sense. Not expressing everything is not a sign of dishonesty, or aloofness..It is a sign of humanity...

  27. Matty:

    I guess there are some things which we don't intentionally keep to ourselves but we wonder whether we should actually share them. Or maybe we just think differently on this. Thanks for coming by Matty.


    I like the term, "many dimensions." To each his/her own dimension, which of course, may vary from another's dimension.

  28. AG:

    Finally, something that we both agree. Ha, actually, we agree on many things, if you care to notice.

    Pee?!!! Go Go.


    I wouldn't call it holding back. It is just that some things are my treasures, too precious to be parted with.

  29. Angie:

    Even I noticed that about the Americans, but again that's something which is not uniform. A lot of people these days tend to divulge everything to everyone, which made me write this post.


    Illusion, sometimes. I guess it varies from person to person. Some are easy to talk to and some are complicated. Personalities vary and so does this topic of baring it all. I know a few people who could bare it all to the person they are meeting for the second time. This topic can be discussed at various levels, Zuzana, isn't it?

  30. Kriti:

    Welcome to the meanderings. We love more people joining the discussion. Even I tend to do that sometimes. I probe my boyfriend to get the same answer every time: "What more?"

    Thanks for dropping by, Kriti. Glad to have known you through Blogplicity.


    Okay, Steve dahling.

  31. Rimly:

    Even my mom says the same and I have dutifully followed what she has said. Mothers are quite wise, I see.
    There are something which necessarily don't involve 'big' things like relationships and the like but even small things like, I enjoy pinching small kids (!!).


    Joanny, your wise words are always appreciated. Ah, I always speak my true age but I don't tell all. An exceptional, maybe.

    Joy always :)

  32. Steve:

    Serendipity, as always :)Not another dissertation anytime soon but yes, I'm thinking on those lines. Hope your best wishes are always in plenty for me.

    And joy always back to you, dear Steve.


    It's not much about worrying what people think but having something that is one's own.
    Your points speak of an entirely spiritual approach, CJP. This takes the topic to a higher level, of course. Thanks for providing this link. You have made me wonder about other related things, here.


    Well, . . . I did.

  33. Corinne:

    "Honest and open with ourselves" is something which struck a chord. Well said, Corinne :)

    Nacho Jordi:

    You have expressed the context quite well. Sometimes it just feels 'right.' Even I am like you, I keep categories fluid and negotiable. Your words ring with wisdom and experience. Thanks for coming by.

  34. Nikhila:

    Not always, Nikhila. Some people just bare it all. It is not their mistake. It is just that they are made that way. Personalities vary, you see.


    With experience comes wisdom, Mary. I think age does not have anything to do with this. Cheerio, dear one.

  35. Brain:

    I knew your answer even before you commented.


    Welcome Mike. Glad to have you stop by. Wisdom, is something man of my readers ascribe to. Wonderful. Western world and Eastern have their own views of boundaries and respect, I reckon.
    Thanks for coming by, Mike.

  36. Ian:

    Welcome :)


    I guess after being together for long, the lives become intertwined so I guess, there is no separateness.

  37. Nelieta:

    I also think like you sometimes. We always contradict ourselves. Perhaps, that is being human :)


    Oh, yes we have been doing that across ether. Even I endorse that view: " . . . mine alone."

  38. Mridula:

    Discovering or not, I like to keep some things within me.


    Sometimes even I feel like you: Neither here nor there.
    And, your wife shall not stumble by here any sooner, I think :)

  39. AJ:

    I just like that quote from Gibran. Another point of connection, I see. Smiles.
    FB friends?!!! Sometimes I do feel close to some of them inspite of not having met them. I guess one knows instinctively whether the person is genuine or not. What say, Age?


    You don't have to thank me, Inday. The pleasure is mine. Of course, we have our own sweet time in our secret hearts. How nicely, you have expressed that Inday :)

  40. Sarah:

    Thanks Sarah, for your visit. It has been a long time, indeed. Hope you are happy and joyous :)


    I like the term "woven into our being." So true. You have very beautifully expressed the basis of relationships. I'm sure you are a great human being with a lovely heart :) Glad to have known you, Paul.

  41. Dear Susan,

    I'm back to read your reaction to all our comments. How I truly enjoy your meanderings with thought provoking reflections on lots of interesting things considered. ^_^

  42. Inday:

    When a blogger friend comes back to read everything, my heart fills with immense joy. Thanks for coming by, dear Inday. Your visits mean a lot to me :)

  43. Well, I feel u r right, Susan, about keeping a few bits of personal info to yourself.

    I too can't open up fully even with the ones close to me. Be it my Mother or my best frnd or my boy friend. I tell them and withhold my personal stuff according to their usual reactions and thinking. If i feel that they won't take some stuff in the right way, i don't tell them. Or else i'll be glad to share it with my dear ones.

  44. Sohini:

    We need something which we alone can savour. It is quite precious.

    Joy always :)



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