(Un)Changing gender roles and general perceptions

Since the time I have started working, my husband and I have made some adjustments to our roles and responsibilities. One of them is cooking - while I prepare the breakfasts and dinners, my husband takes care of the lunches. These changes are made to suit our timings and availabilities. Since he remains at home during mid-morning and early afternoon, it is easier for him to prepare lunches.

But alas, these changes are almost attributed to the man being considerate and extra loving towards the wife, which I won't deny but the vital point is being narrowly missed. The point that cooking and cleaning is the sole domain of the woman and anything that is beyond those parameters is seen as a stroke of luck. WHY? Generations of cooking and cleaning has rendered the act of cooking and cleaning as the woman's work. And if the man assists in the kitchen or doing the laundry, the message sent is that he is being thoughtful and considerate.

Everyday at my workplace, my husband gets admiring phrases and loving vibes when I mention that he prepares the lunch. Women who are fiercely independent with their own salaries and strong opinions also tend to believe that cooking and cleaning is a woman's work and if she gets any help from her husband, then the wife is a lucky person.

Nothing has changed. It will take atleast a 100 years to change the mindset. The actions, roles and responsibilities might have changed but the fact that certain jobs are for certain genders has not changed. And, this is not something in India alone. When I read some posts/articles/essays, the author who is a woman credits her husband for being a darling, sweetheart and understanding husband/boyfriend simply because he takes care of the laundry and does the dishes.

I know that I am writing about something that has been done and dusted atleast a few million times and inspite of that I am confounded by the fact that nothing has changed. Feminism exists and most urban women are aware of it - either through first-hand or second-hand experience AND all these theories of women empowerment has not stopped women from thanking and praising the men to the skies when it comes to doing household work. Women still think that cooking and cleaning is their job and if anyone offers to relieve them from that, then it is an act which deserves praise and glorification.

And only men (some, atleast) can say that cleaning vessels is therapeutic. Ask that to a woman and she would show how actions speak (and cause immense pain) louder than words.

A long way to go . . .

An un-woman post on Women's Day

My domestic just left. I was wondering whether to ask her to leave without doing any work as today was International Women's Day and she deserves her worth of salt. But if I ask her to leave, I will have to do all the work and I was not ready for that. And, yesterday the domestic didn't turn up piling a lot of work. Truth to be told, I don't much like doing household chores. I do them if there is no choice and I sometimes surprise myself by doing lot of work. But today I was simply not up to it. The help completed her work and left. Women's day or not, she has to work to feed her family. She has no one writing posts for her and stringing words to acknowledge the multiple juggling of roles that she plays - mother, wife, domestic help, casual labourer in the Guest house and so on.

This week saw many posts on Women's day. I read and reread many posts written by men for this special day. Reading some posts, I wondered, "Will I ever be the kind of woman they write about?" They wrote about caring, serving and never tiring efforts by mothers. Are mothers made this way? Let me be specific - Can I function that way. Caring is something that I have to force myself to do. It doesn't come naturally to me. Even if someone is sick, I can sit beside them. But after a point, I get plain bored. I can cook and see to it that their demands are met but sighing and fretting, I don't and can't do. But then I wonder --- Will I have to do all that when I beget a child? I might but I would also like to add that if I bring a child into this world, then the child should not associate love, care and warmth only from the mother. The child should see the father as well as the mother function in different roles. I don't want my child (children) to fix roles for specific gender. He/she should be able to see the father slogging in the kitchen, the mother reading newspaper in the morning and so on. Roles as these are etched in the mind of the young and as they grow up they demand and seek those roles in their adult life.

Another point that I noticed in many posts was how women adapt themselves to a married life almost within a week or two in the new setup. Is there a choice, I ask. A woman has to adapt herself by any means for she is fed an overdose of advises from all and sundry - "That's your house hereafter." I can never reconcile with that. How can the concept of own's home can be changed so quickly. And it's always the new bride who wakes up early to prepare coffee/tea for everyone at home. This business of getting up early and trying to do the house work -- I can never manage. I have seen that if one does something in the initial years of marriage then one is doomed to behave the same way throughout one's period of existence in that house. The bottom line: Don't set high expectations in the formative years of marriage. Ah, I forgot to add, if one does not get up before the sun, then one is called lazy and that the parents haven't 'taught' the girl to be responsible. Well, if the son can't wake up, then why should the daughter-in-law wake up. This getting up early business is the pride of many women - Not for me.

By attributing certain characteristics to women, it has so happened that women by default think that one has to live up to the expectations and hence forget what it means to live a life without any hassles of getting up in the morning, doing boring housework and sitting up with someone who has fever. One day, I casually asked my mother, "Didn't you miss your home after getting married?" She replied, "I didn't know anything like that." I was left wondering. I again prodded, "How was life after marriage?" She was lost. Well, she just was. That day I realised something very important. Women are always identified by their roles - mother, sister, daughter, spouse but that's not all that is there to her. She is an individual who inwardly fights the soft and tender attributes to her but still goes on performing those ascribed roles because if she rebelled, the 'bad' name is for the family. But there are others who go beyond the ascribed roles and turn deaf to the pseudo trappings of what the others assign for her.

I want my child to see me beyond the roles that are usually attributed for a mother!

I want my child to see my husband and I as mothers and fathers - roles effectively managed by both of us.

I want my child to not know the difference between woman chores and man chores.

A happy women's day to me and my ilk.

Image 1: Internet
Image 2: Internet

Romanticising the term 'single mom'

After a lovely break from the routine humdrum of my usual life, I am back to blogging and reading blogs. Among the many things that surfaced from the break, one was the fruitful discussions I had with my girlfriend V. I was telling her how the tag 'single mom' is almost used like an occupation/job. One of the contestants in a popular reality show is a single mom and while every other contestant is introduced as SK, 37, Entrepreneur; RK, 26, Lawyer and so on, one contestant was introduced as WE, 29, Single mom. Now I was baffled. Why was WE introduced as a single mom and not by her profession. Is being a single mom another profession or is the media romanticing the term, single mom.

Viewing many programmes in the telly, I observe that there are many single moms who are often introduced with the term single mom. While there are single dads as well, they are never referred to as single dad. Are we as a society raising single moms to a pedestal and while we are secretly happy that we are better off, are we trying to pseudo-sympathise with the moms who are single. Why should the term even be used? Agreed that single moms are doing everything single-handedly but why choose that tag?

It is not enough that being a woman itself invites many troubles (not everywhere but atleast in India where harrassment/teasing/stereotyping/discrimination is quite rampant), the added burden of being a single mom and also romanticing it is a bit unwarranted for. But it should be noted that the single mom tag is mostly used in cases where the woman is divorced. What about women who are widowed? Even they are single moms, raising kids without a man and also bearing the brunt of bringing up children in a society which can be quite taxing on various aspects of life. And, there are men who are divorced who sometimes get the custody of children but do not carrying the tag/label of single dads. Why?

It's strange that on one hand we love to hate stereotypes but on the other, we also tend to glorify a certain gender for doing something which is not as great as it is made out to be.

I certainly wish that the term single mom is not used as a professional tag for in the world that adores equality (atleast it professes to be), the term seems quite inappropriate.

And, it would be wonderful to hear your thoughts on this.

Image: Internet