Today, I happened to see a poster in one of my friend's Facebook wall which went something like this, 'No matter what, my son will be the same to me as when he was a baby.' While the words revelled at the wonder of having children and marvelling at their antics, the message did send some signals to me. I read the message as, 'No matter how old you get, I will continue to see you as a baby and also treat you like one.' S. A. D. This is precisely the problem. One dimension of this 'smothering affection' is aiming at implicit obedience - An obedience which does not question and immediately doing what one is asked to. Often, I have heard this uttered by my parents, 'Just do it. Obey without questioning.' But me being me always asked, 'Why' earning their wrath and irritation. When I dwell on that 'Why,' it is not without any reason that I used to ask the question. After all, I wanted to know why I was asked to do something. This is one side of the whole matter.
Another side, children are encouraged to ask questions. To support this theory, many great scientists of the likes of Einstein, Galileo and others are cited. Philosophers like J. Krishnamurti are also famous for encouraging a questioning attitude. But somewhere parents (some parents) are lost between the encouraging-questioning-and-implicit-obedience quagmire. While questioning on the sun, moon, galaxies, solar system is looked upon with kindness and a parental glow which seems to say, 'See, that's my daughter! How she questions everything. She is sure to become a genius and score high in her IQ tests . . . Blah Blah,' the same is frowned at while asking questions when the child is asked to do something. I guess parents are also quite stressed out by listening/reading to many free floating advice courtesy the internet, well meaning friends/colleagues/domestic help and all sundry. And like the cherry on the cake is the experience of having watched one's parents whose demands of obedience almost made one pee in the pants.
Children will remain children for many parents and even after the 'child' is no longer a child but a full grown adult, the implicit obedience tag never abandons the scenario. Phrases like, 'My son still obeys me without questioning' and 'Even today, I refuse to ask any question to my mom if she asks me to do something' fills the air of many households confusing the children who innocently ask, 'But why should I light a candle before this picture?'
Parents and children are both confused and in the end, the poster wins!
What's you take on this dear reader?
Another side, children are encouraged to ask questions. To support this theory, many great scientists of the likes of Einstein, Galileo and others are cited. Philosophers like J. Krishnamurti are also famous for encouraging a questioning attitude. But somewhere parents (some parents) are lost between the encouraging-questioning-and-implicit-obedience quagmire. While questioning on the sun, moon, galaxies, solar system is looked upon with kindness and a parental glow which seems to say, 'See, that's my daughter! How she questions everything. She is sure to become a genius and score high in her IQ tests . . . Blah Blah,' the same is frowned at while asking questions when the child is asked to do something. I guess parents are also quite stressed out by listening/reading to many free floating advice courtesy the internet, well meaning friends/colleagues/domestic help and all sundry. And like the cherry on the cake is the experience of having watched one's parents whose demands of obedience almost made one pee in the pants.
Children will remain children for many parents and even after the 'child' is no longer a child but a full grown adult, the implicit obedience tag never abandons the scenario. Phrases like, 'My son still obeys me without questioning' and 'Even today, I refuse to ask any question to my mom if she asks me to do something' fills the air of many households confusing the children who innocently ask, 'But why should I light a candle before this picture?'
Parents and children are both confused and in the end, the poster wins!
What's you take on this dear reader?
aah - it's a tough job - being a parent and a child - especially our generation of parents - we want to be more "progressive" and less clingy (for the lack of a better word) - yet we want our children to be safe, do well - (and sadly, we sub consciously end up defining what is safe and what means "well")
ReplyDeleteYou would know it better from being there both sides - a daughter and a parent. Your last line is spot on. Our definitions are almost always, according to us, the most accurate.
Delete'Just do it. Obey without questioning.' .... something I hear now n then... but me also been me just refuses to do unless I'm answered or let myself be emotionally blackmailed (yea, I'm soft when cornered with parental emotions) by them....
ReplyDeleteOh yes, Sheethal. Better obey than sulk, seems the norm most of the times for me. And yes, after being married, compromising is not all that difficult.
DeleteAt some age obedience is required to bring discipline in life, but then its all about the subject...children's curiosity should be always encouraged, but some discipline in life always brings harmony..so there has to be a balance, once children are grownups, they shouldnt be asked to obey blindly...but they have their own lives and should be free to lead that...Again but..if you have given them good values, they will still have that certain obedience or whatevr you call it and listen to your advice..advice..nothing more..
ReplyDeleteIts quite complicated actually
I think so too. Till about 5, I guess it is all about discipline and after they read and learn to ask questions, parents should try to be patient with the answers and also allow for some thoughts and learning.
DeleteA very tough question to answer :( - somewhere the individual as an adult/teen will rebel and ask uncomfortable questions, in India it is tough for the child to look up to his/her parents as friends - it is more of an authoritative/respect-based hierarchy. Very lucky are those who have parents who treat their children as good friends and let them blossom into free-thinkers!
ReplyDeleteI guess we should always clarify 'in India' and 'outside India' because many things have their own rhythms in India and elsewhere. That said and done, issues are almost always similar in every country. And indeed questions like this one are a bit dicey to answer.
DeleteThis is a tricky balance to draw, Susan. Yes, we want our children to be thinking, independent individuals. But there are certain rules of discipline in the house and some decisions where the parents have to put their foot down. Those are not open for discussion. So, it is important to make these boundaries clear to your child. Compared to how we were as kids, our kids have much more freedom to question and get answers :).
ReplyDeleteQuite right, Rachna. Some rules of discipline should be drawn, I reckon until a certain age.
DeleteMy mother-in-law thinks that "obedience" is the best quality a child can have, and even in adulthood. I think Independence is the best thing a child can have, which serves them into adulthood. From a Western POV, there is nothing more pathetic than an adult who can't make decisions without their parents, not even for food! My heart will always be with my child, but I expect her to go out in the world and make a life for herself.
ReplyDeleteWelcome to the Meanderings, Alexandra and I liked the way you answered this one. But I wonder until which age, one can expect obedience from a child. Maybe five or six?
DeleteInteresting subject for discussion! Children when they are small ask a number of questions. We should try to explain every question as far as possible, truly. If we want them to do something and if they ask why, we should explain them why it should be done in the way we want them to do. We should not expect them to follow our orders blindly. Once they grow up, we should always involve them in day to day affairs which will give them experience to follow/face problems later. We should start respecting their views. If interaction/discussion is there, respect for each other is there, we won't have this 'he doesn't ask my opinion anymore or the parents interfere in our affairs' complaints might be minimum, I feel. And remember, we follow our parents' nature, knowingly or unknowingly and our children will follow ours.
ReplyDeleteAs Rachna says, our children are given more freedom nowadays, than what we had. Is it because of more no. of children in those days and just one or two now?!
I'm glad that the scenario is changing in many urban homes. Thanks to education and some television programmes but I also wonder about the scenario on rural homes where things are much different.
DeleteA nice take on the topic.......
ReplyDeleteToo much of overbearing nature, expectations of parents that get higher with time and the resonating 'my' to every achievement of children as 'my son did it' or 'that is my daughter' is not a healthy parenting.....
Children need parents when they are small.
Then, they seek friends in parents when they are in teens
And when teens transition into adults, it is time for the parents to tell them, "Go, live your life now!"
But at the same time, it does not mean that parents have no right to feel the way the poster you talk about, says. As a parent, that feeling is natural and that is what marks humans different from the five sensed animals. However, every parent must also realize that implicit obedience need not be always out of respect and understanding and that times change, so do people. Similarly, the current generation must realize that they too will face the challenges of parenting when they reach that stage and that, they need to be tactful when handling arguments and disagreements with their parents.
That said, the take is tricky.....I, as a mother feel the same as the poster reads, considering my son is barely three years old. But yes, times ahead are different and I can already feel the generation gap, something we faced as children and now, as parents ;)
Thanks for the detailed comment, Narayani. I am yet to be a mother and hence I don't think I can talk much about being a parent but yes, being a daughter and having observed many friends, I feel that this issue is always niggling people - the attitude towards inplicit obedience. While my generation mostly tried to balance things, the issue is very different now and you have rightly mentoned - it is indeed tricky to draw the line. I always wonder how I will deal with this once i become a mother.
DeleteI believe that parents think the child's questioning attitude should be limited to studies and in proving their excellence in comparison to others. But, to question the decisions made by parents is considered wrong. The attitude of questioning has turned out to be applied specifically where parents authorize kids to.
ReplyDeleteI have been lucky, my parents have been supportive to me and always reply to my questions and consider my wants and wishes too.
http://www.anshulgautam.in/2014/03/the-love-that-i-saw.html
The Indian scenario is such, Anshul. Sometimes even while studying, parents are a bit tired of constant questioning but then who isn't. Well, every parent has to figure a way that suits them and their child/children.
DeleteThanks for coming by, dear Anshul.
Did you see the poster I put up yesterday?! It was a sarcastic retort to just the concept you mention! A mom telling her daughter, "When you grow up, I want you to be strong-willed, assertive and independent, but right now, I want you to be pliant, passive and obedient"!
ReplyDeleteOh yes, I did, Rosh and was thinking of this post. Now, what is your take on this?
Delete